I had right to grieve something I chose to give up
I just graduated highschool when i found out i was pregnant. i knew immediately i was in no place to have and raise a child and went the next day to set up an appointment. I went, i had an ultrasound done, and was prescribed medication. Those hours were some of the worst of my life. And in my pain my mind began to believe that this was what i deserved, that god was punishing me for my choice and my mistakes. I was also suffering from a deep depression. My life began to spiral after and i couldn’t help but wonder if i made a mistake. If i was selfish for choosing myself. I also felt a deep hole in my life, like something was missing. I wasn’t going to school the next year and for once in my life had to actually decide what it was i wanted to do with my future. I was lost and afraid. I felt as though i had given up an opportunity to do something with my life, to be responsible for something more than myself and in turn not have the time to sit in my sadness. I swear i had never seen so many babies as i did after my abortion, and seeing each one brought me a new kind of sadness. I felt as though i had right to grieve something i chose to give up. The thing about grief is when ignored it festers. it builds roots. I went weeks sleeping for days and sleepwalking at work. A zombie in my own body. It wasn’t until my sister had my nephew that i finally decided to talk to someone about my experience. I learned that my grief was earned, that even though i made a choice for myself i was still allowed to grieve. The most important thing i learned was it was OKAY to have second thoughts and to ruminate because at the the end of the day, i made the choice that was right for me before grief had a chance to build roots. God was never punishing me for my choice, i was trying to give meaning to something that sometimes is meaningless. I think we all like to think of our suffering as something that we will be rewarded for, but sometimes it isn’t. it’s just suffering. We made the choice we did because we knew it was the right one. Don’t ever doubt yourself for choosing YOU.