I long for this hole inside my heart to be filled
I found out I was pregnant a couple of days after buying my first house and shortly after starting an apprenticeship degree for my dream job of becoming a qualified paramedic. My life couldn’t be better, I was thriving and achieving some of my most important goals at 22. I was alone when I found out because I just wanted to put my mind at ease after having a vivid dream the night before about taking a positive test. I was only two days late which wasn’t unusual for me. I felt like I’d been hit by a train in that moment, I laughed, I cried and the heaviness of the decision weighed me down, it still does to this day. I told my partner when he got home from work, he was supportive and said all of the right things that he would be by my side whatever path I had chosen. My first instinct was to research abortion options but I was so torn. Do I go with my head or heart? I used to be a very logical person and very level headed. I knew that I wanted a family when I was in a stable career, relationship, mentally and financially stable. At that moment I only had a stable relationship which I’m so grateful for, but I still knew this wasn’t the right time for me to bring a child into this world. I also couldn’t live with myself bringing a child into the world when I’d always know that I considered abortion. After looking into every possibility with my partner, talking with two close friends and an abortion counsellor I made the decision to take the abortion pills. I think my life changed the day I took the pregnancy test, it spiralled from there. I’ve never been depressed, anxious or overly angry prior but since I’ve struggled so much. I’ve tried everything to help with healing- talking therapies, yoga, meditation, gym, walks, praying, new hobbies. I’ve forced myself into everything never having a break, never wanting to pause for too long. But I’m exhausted now, mentally and physically. I feel so lost. I know I’m grieving and I’m trying to accept my feelings but it’s so hard to allow this sadness to exist at the same time as reassuring myself that I made the best decision for myself. I just feel I’m constantly fighting with myself but I know nothing can change my situation and I can’t go back in time. I’m just so heartbroken, I miss my baby, I miss what could have been, I miss my old self. I’m now in regular therapy and taking antidepressants, I hate work and feel distant in my relationships- not just with my partner but my family and friends. I long for my old self and I long for this hole inside my heart to be filled. I hope I can heal and reading some other stories that I could relate to made me feel less alone. So thank you to anyone else who has told their story.