I will live with this regret for the rest of my life
I will live with this regret for the rest of my life. I am 41 and have no children. I've never been "maternal" and didn't feel I ever wanted a baby. I'm in an unfulfilling relationship that I really need to end, but I don't yet have the courage to leave because I'm so overwhelmed right now. I met someone last year and we just had chemistry and attraction. It developed into a physical affair. So, I found out I was pregnant 5 weeks after I last saw my affair partner. I had what I thought were period pains, but the period didn't come. I took two separate tests and both were positive. I actually saw my affair partner on the day I found out, but I didn't tell him until the day after because I was shocked and just didn't know how to even bring it up. He was shocked and initially said he didn't want any more children. He already has 4 children with his ex wife, aged between 12 and 20. I told him there was no way I could keep it, but I felt he had a right to know about it so that he could at least have a say in the decision. Then he back tracked a bit and said his head was all over the place. He said he hated the idea of abortion and seemed to start romanticising the situation a bit. He said that it could either be amazing or the worst mistake ever. He was concerned about hurting his existing children as he has just started building bridges with them after having quite a strained relationship. He said he wanted me to do what was best for me and promised he would do whatever I needed to support me. Sadly that didn't happen in the end. He flaked on plans to meet in person to talk about it. I eventually got him to meet up with me once. And then he confirmed that he still stood by his first instinct to not have anymore children. He said the negative aspects outweighed the good for him. So we agreed to abort the baby. He still made promises of support at this point. I invited him to the scan but he ignored my invitation for 2 days. He replied the day after the scan saying he'd be there if I wanted! He acted surprised when I told him I had already had the scan, but he admitted that if he had been there he would not of wanted to look at the scan. After that I gave up trying to involve him and stopped contacting him. I had the abortion nearly 2 weeks later. I was 12 weeks at this point and had a surgical abortion under local anaesthetic. I had to go alone as I couldn't tell anyone else. It was the worst thing I have ever been through. The day before I had to take the pill to soften everything. I stared at the pill and cried hysterically. I really really didn't want to go through with it, but the thought of hurting my partner by leaving him to have another man's baby was just too cruel. It would have caused so much chaos as well. We would have to sell the house and I'd have to find a new place to live and change jobs because the gossip and stigma would of been too extreme. Now I have had the abortion, everything I worried about feels so trivial. After the procedure, I sat in the hospital cafe sipping a drink and staring out the window. All I could think about was how the fetus was alive inside me an hour before and now it was dead inside a clinical waste bin. This thought will haunt me forever, it's so distressing. I told my affair partner it was done. He wasn't terribly supportive and didn't say he was sorry for not being there. He just said he hoped that I was ok. He contacted me 10 days after the abortion and asked if I was still pregnant.. I guess the reality hadn't sunk in and he wanted to re-confirm it? Again he said he hoped that I'm ok. I don't know if I can handle seeing him again,I'm just so devastated. I can't believe I sacrificed my only chance of being a mother just to spare a relationship I'm so unhappy in. I don't want a baby with my partner and there's no way I would rush into another relationship just to have a baby before my biological clock runs out. I wish I could turn everything back.