It was so long ago but it feels like today.
It was so long ago but it feels like today. The pain is so bad and has been for many many years. I was a teenager, I was in a bad relationship and had very very strict, Christian parents that were not always the kindest or most understanding people. I grew up in a house that was always in turmoil. Fighting, violence, emotional cruelty. I just wanted to be loved and cared about and to be number 1 in someone’s life. But my boyfriend at the time was a selfish and self centered person. He wasn’t always so kind to me and always the quiet threat of him leaving. I found out I was pregnant, and I was scared. I don’t really know what I was feeling because many of my emotions from that time are like blank pages and all I can remember is pain. My boyfriend had set up everything for the abortion (the place, the money, even a fake name for the father’s name). He took me there and waited. I remember during the ultrasound, I was 9 weeks. I asked the nurse if the baby is a baby and will it hurt the baby. She told me NO it’s just cells. (Which I now know better and I knew better then too I believe). I was put in a room with easily 15 other girls and we were called in one after the other. (I describe it as cows to slaughter). I was awake, I laid on the table and it did hurt. I SO DESPERATELY WANTED to yell no and hop down from the table. But I didn’t and it was done. I HATE MYSELF FOR MY WEAKNESS. I sat in a mass recovery room. And he took me to a Chinese restaurant in a mall right afterwards. (to raise no suspicions I guess and everything was normal). I was never the same again. I became mentally or emotionally off after that day. I would cry in the car when passing a cemetery and it would annoy him. I would cry “I want my baby back” and it annoyed him. We of course broke up and he excelled in life. He became a doctor and his life went well. I heard he got a divorce but that’s all I know. My life? I’ve had blessings as I now went on to have 5 living children (after many many miscarriages I lost 6 pregnancies prior to my 1st live birth and 2 in between and 2 after my 5th baby.). I tried for another but it never happened. I married a man that was a drug abuser and abusive. I then went on to marry again (the father of my children) and he’s got his issues. With each baby I had I was overjoyed but very sad at the same time because of the abortion. The pain of that is so strong. It takes my breath away. I wish many many times that I had died on that table. I really do. That abortion caused me to crumble inside (I stay strong and put on a face and no one knows. Or will they ever) but I feel mutilated inside. I hurt and I can never stop hurting. I talk to my children that aren’t here often. I tell them I’m so sorry and if I could trade my life for a redo I would. In a heartbeat. I can never make right what I did. I could never make it better. I’ll suffer till the day I leave this earth. And I deserve to suffer. I just hope there is an afterlife and I can go to it to be with my babies again. And I pray daily that I’m forgiven…because I can not forgive myself…