I was a Junior in High school (17 y o ) when I got pregnant.
I was a Junior in High school (17 y o ) when I got pregnant. I only told my boyfriend about the pregnancy. I knew it was wrong that is why I kept the secret from my parents and friends. I grew up in church. I knew right from wrong. But, I wanted to go to college after high school and I had goals. Also, I did not want my family to have that shame of a teenage daughter getting pregnant. The real truth is I didn't want the shame. I didn't want to walk around school with a large tummy and say to everyone what I did. I had sex with my boyfriend, even though most of them were doing it too. In my eyes, the shame wasn't having sex, the shame and guilt was from getting pregnant. I told my boyfriend I was going to abort. He tried to talk me out of it. He said "My Mom will raise the baby." Which I knew would never happen because my Mom would also had stepped up to do that. I didn't want my life to change by having a baby. I wanted it back to how it was as a regular teenager with teenager issues...not adult ones like raising a child. So I had a surgical abortion at a nearby abortion clinic in the next town from us. We each paid 1/2. This was in 1983. Surgical abortions were the only option. I pleaded and begged God to not be pregnant. I asked for him to change my circumstances...he did not do that. The abortion was awful and painful even though they gave me a shot to numb it. I still felt it. I heard the vacuum. I felt them ripping my baby out of my body. I think I shed a tear or two. I let them roll down my face. The nurse held my hand and tried to be a little comforting. (of course my boyfriend could not be there with me. They don't allow that for lawsuits.) The male abortion doctor was all business. I don't even remember if he said hello to me or acknowledged my presence. He just got to work killing my baby. It took only a few minutes. I was put in a hallway or space with other women recovering from their abortion. One older woman was saying this was her second abortion. Right then and there I said to myself, "this is the one and only abortion I will ever have. I don't care the circumstances!" (thankfully I was able to keep my word to myself.) After a few hours we left. My boyfriend dropped me off at home and I slept for a few hours. No one knew what I had just done. My Mom did not know I had just killed her first grandchild. No one asked '"where were you?"I would have lied if they would have asked. That night my boyfriend and I went to the movies. After we were fighting and he got so angry with me he punched the dash in his car. That was the first time I saw his true anger come out. I saw it often after that. We went to church the next day (his idea) together to repent, I guess, from out sin. I was numb. Later in the next months I contemplated suicide because the darkness in my heart was so heavy. I started drinking a lot and dabbled in drugs. Nothing stopped the darkness and heaviness I felt. After my abortion they gave me birth control pills. We would still have sex but now I felt I was protected from pregnancy. (As an adult I know that is not true. There is no 100% birth control except abstinence. ) My boyfriend and I broke up after a few months- we were fighting all the time and his abuse became too much for me to handle. He would call me every name in the book and accuse me of cheating on him weekly. I did got to college as I had planned. Got a bachelor's degree. Moved away to New York City to get a job I dreamed of. While still carrying my guilt and shame from my abortion a secret from my family and most friends. I did tell a few very close friends my secret after about 1 year of my abortion. It just came bubbling out of me one day and I couldn't stop the pain and tears. They were very comforting to me. I learned how to bury my secret and manage life until my second child was born. At that point I could not contain it anymore. I needed to seek help. I tried my pastor and another organization. It was a temporary fix. When my daughter was 2 I found a local pregnancy resource center that I thought might be able to help. You see right after my daughter was born, I gave myself to the Lord. I realized I needed a Saviour because I could not do this life alone. I found (or He found me) Jesus Christ. I began getting closer to the Lord and trying to be a better human and Mom. I joined the group that the Pregnancy Center had called PeACe. It was an acronym for Post Abortion Counseling. I learned so much during those 10 weeks and I was on the path to freedom from that awful experience that I chose to do. I knew that God could forgive me but I didn't know if I could forgive myself. I learned in that group that I could and I did. I was as light as a feather. It was a game changer for me. All of my relationships got better after I was free from the burdens that I carried. I was a better Christian, daughter, wife, Sister, Friend and especially Mom. I could love my children so much better as I was meant to. I received my healing over 25 years ago. I have helped many women also find their healing in groups. I have also shared my story countless times to women who are struggling with the decision of choosing life for their baby or choosing to end their life. I can only do that because Jesus has taken my sin from me and took it on himself when he died on the cross. He shed his blood for me!! I am so grateful to my loving and faithful Saviour!! ....note: there are many healing groups out there at local pregnancy resource centers. Heartbeat International has a listing. If you want healing....there are places to help get you there. My motto was; "it is time to heal". I suffered for 16 years before I found healing. I did not want to suffer any longer. Life is too short!! By the way, I did tell my parents and siblings about my abortion after I received healing. They were all gracious and supportive of me. No one hated me for choosing to end my baby's life. I am grateful for grace!!