I don't know what my purpose is anymore.
I don't know what my purpose is anymore. When I got pregnant I knew, I had absolutely terrible morning sickness that was causing me to wake up around 3-4am throwing up, and I was sick/on+off until afternoon. I went to the dollar store with my boyfriend and picked up a pregnancy test. At the time i didnt really know why but i had a feeling, and it ended up being right. I was so shocked and excited but also scared, and I was so worried about if the dollar store test was reliable enough so i promptly booked a drs appointment. At that appointment they confirmed the pregnancy and also booked me in for an ultrasound to confirm how far along i was. The ultrasound made me love them. I was so fascinated by the fact my body was giving life to a new person and that they are genetically unique. I felt worried about a lot of things but i also felt the most hopeful i ever have. I felt like i had a purpose, and like my heart was full of love. Everything was happening so fast at this point, and the sickness was making me so exhausted I just did not know how to cope. After battling with my own emotions and feelings i decided to book an abortion. It wasnt until i was there talking to the councellor that I realized how much i did not want the abortion at all. I could not control my tears and ended up leaving. My boyfriend was supportive of anything i wanted and he said i should tell my mom and hear her thoughts. How things went with her was completely unexpected. She told me abortion is the right thing to do, that she doesnt want me to throw away my life and she wants to see me chase my dreams. She told me that her mom had an abortion before she had her and my uncle, and convinced me it was okay and the right choice. She called the clinic and booked me a new appointment. I cant remember what was going on in my head but from that point onward i think i was living in a blur. Very zoned out and on "autopilot". I accepted my moms word and i didnt fight with her at all like i usually do. I knew it wasnt what i wanted at all but i thought my mom would know better than me and so im just going to do this for her and be a good daughter. In my heart i also felt a lot of shame and i believed she would have resented me if i didnt do what she wanted. I ended up going back and going through with it. All I can say is my heart literally breaks to even think back to what i did. I sat there staring at the ground letting silent tears stream down my face, nodding yes to all the nurses questioning not even paying attention to what she was asking. The abortion itself was fast and it did hurt but my mind was not there with me in that room. I paid attention to the music playing and just cried and let it happen. I asked to please see my baby. They kept referring to them as a pregnancy and a clump of cells but i was very persistent and finally after warning me several times they allowed me to see my baby. It was so heartbreaking. I did believe they may have been a "clump of cells" until that moment i saw them. I was 11 weeks 4 days at this point and they were a baby... [explicit description removed by website facilitator] ... I honestly think a piece of myself died that day because i have never been back to normal. I wanted that baby, i was so scared of the sickness but i wanted them and i knew that when i walked out of the abortion clinic the first time. I went to my mom telling her i want to keep them and i dont know why i shut down! I wish every day i had stood up for my baby. I feel like a murderer for taking their life just so mine wouldnt change. I wanted change, i felt so stuck. I work in childcare and have a huge amount of experience caring for babies and young kids, even littles with disabilities, and i truly feel like i would have been able to provide a good life for them. They would have been so so loved and wanted. I wish i had told my boyfriends mom and his older sisters who im close to instead of my mom. I had always envisioned myself having my baby no matter what, even if it were to make me a single mom i believed in my heart i would do it and i could imagine my future this way. Now i dont know what i want at all. I dont want to have kids in the future anymore, i dont know what to look forward to in life. I feel like all of the things i used to do arent interesting anymore. Life is grey and has no meaning. I miss my baby every day and i want them to be here growing up. Theyve been gone now since October 24, 2024 and i love them so much and miss them. I feel like i have nowhere for all of this love to go. I never wanted to do this and i truly feel like i have ruined my life beyond repair. There is nothing i want or enjoy at all anymore and i have no purpose. I feel like my baby was a sign from the creator and a blessing to me and i dont think ill ever be able to forgive myself for killing my blessing