A good friend once told me

A good friend once told me, “There is a difference between speaking out of brokenness and speaking out of healing.” This is my story, of how I went from Bound and Broken to Forgiven and Set Free. Between 2007 and 2008, I made the choice to have three abortions. I was only 20-21 years old, living a toxic life filled with dysfunction and chaos. I had strayed from my relationship with God and had no regard for those around me. I was on a path of destruction, consumed by alcohol, sex, and drugs. By the end of 2008, just five months after my last abortion, I found myself pregnant again. I knew I couldn’t go through with another abortion. I decided to have the baby. Nine months later, my son was born—the most precious little boy I had ever seen. I could no longer live for myself; I had to live for him. The crazy life I had once known was quickly replaced with bottles, diapers, and caring for my son as a single mom. My son’s father and I had broken up when I was six months pregnant. Although accepting that was hard for several months, with time, I grew stronger and found contentment in my life. One night in March 2009, my grandma suggested I take some time for myself, offering to watch my son. I accepted her offer and met up with friends. That night, I bumped into a high school friend. We reconnected, and the rest is history. From that day forward, we spent nearly every day together. He not only fell in love with me, he fell in love with my son, and my son became OUR son. We got engaged in 2010, married in 2011, and welcomed our first beautiful baby girl in 2012. Wanting to raise our kids in a church environment, we started attending church occasionally with my husband’s parents in 2013. By 2014, we were going regularly. In 2015, we welcomed our second daughter. That same year, we enrolled our first daughter in a Christian preschool. We grew to love the preschool and decided to make it our home church. My involvement grew slowly—first through a small in-home Bible study led by my Mom, where I met my best friend, then through the Mothers of preschoolers (MOPS) group at church. I began stepping out of my comfort zone, joining my first Bible study in 2015. My heart began to change, as I felt God pursuing me. In December 2016, I gave birth to our third daughter. We were now a family of six. My heart was full, and life was good. I couldn’t believe this was my life. By the end of 2016, something started to change. After becoming more involved in the church community and deepening my relationship with God, I began feeling convicted. On March 26, 2017, I made the decision to be baptized and rededicate my life to the Lord. In 2021, God began a gentle stirring in my heart. I felt a much deeper conviction for the choices I had made before walking with Him. This heavy conviction made me feel unworthy of pursuing a deeper relationship with God. Little did I know, God was preparing my heart for a beautiful journey of healing, one I will never forget. One evening in 2021, while having a heart to heart with my best friend, I decided to share the pain I had been carrying for years. It was the first time I had confided in someone other than my husband. Speaking about it aloud was the first step toward acknowledging the weight of my decisions. It forced me to confront the pain, shame, guilt, and grief I had been harboring. My friend met me with love, grace, and understanding. She shared that she, too, had an abortion story. We talked about the forgiveness we knew we had in Christ, but we both struggled to forgive ourselves. For the first time in years, I didn’t feel so alone. Over the next year, I couldn’t escape uncomfortable conversations about abortion. Whether discussing pro-life, pro-choice, or feeling like I had no right to voice my opinions because of my past choices, I felt lost—even though my views had drastically changed. During this time God began working on me. Sermons started to speak to me on a deeper level, I felt an increased desire to read my Bible and engaged more deeply in the Bible study I was attending. Yet the conviction often overwhelmed me. In December 2022, I received an email from my father-in-law, whom I greatly admire, inviting me to take a tour of the Pregnancy Care Center (PCC). My heart dropped. The shame and guilt I had buried resurfaced. I immediately began doubting myself: “How could I walk through those doors, knowing what I’ve done?” “What would they think of me if they knew?” “Would my father-in-law lose respect for me?” God was using him to plant a seed. I closed the email and tried to push it out of my mind. As time passed, my father-in-law persisted and continued to extend the invite multiple times, telling me how he thought I’d make a great volunteer. God knew I needed this nudge. I kept making excuses. On October 2, 2023, he sent me the phone number of a friend of his who is a director at the PCC. He suggested I set up a tour. The ball was now in my court. With all my kids in school, I had extra time and was already volunteering in other ministries. I felt my heart softening toward the idea of taking the tour, thinking Maybe it could be another opportunity to volunteer. The next day, I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to call K. I scheduled a tour for October 10, 2023. When I walked into the PCC, I was beyond nervous, unsure of what to expect. I was greeted by the sweetest lady who led me through the building and shared it’s history- a story of beauty from ashes. My nerves slowly began to fade. As we walked through different rooms she explained the services offered. When we reached the ultrasound room and walked in, I saw a display of silicone fetal models at different gestational stages. It really caught me off guard. It was the first time I had seen anything like that, and it broke my heart. I couldn’t help but wonder, “What if I had been directed to her instead? Would I have made different choices? Would I have chosen life or adoption had I seen my babies on that screen or heard their heartbeats?” As we continued the tour, we reached a room for reproductive loss classes, where they also offered abortion recovery. I had no idea such classes existed. I always thought PCC was only a place to get pregnancy tests and advocate against abortions. To learn they offered services for women like me, who had made a choice they advocate against, filled me with peace. I realized there was a reason I was being led there.   After the tour, they asked for my thoughts. I expressed amazement at all the services they provided but withheld my emotions about the abortion recovery class. I shared my desire to serve and volunteer. When Kristi asked where I might be interested in volunteering, I felt drawn to the recovery class, but out of fear, I said, “advocating.” It seemed like the easier answer, because I feared being questioned about my past. She told me I had missed the last volunteer orientation, and the next one wouldn’t be until January. She said she would send me an interest form. Initially, I was discouraged by the wait, but God saw the bigger picture. She invited me to attend a women’s high tea event in November. I was excited and agreed to attend. Later that night, I received the email with the interest form. I began filling it out until I reached the question, “Have you ever had an abortion?” I broke down. I was unable to answer the question. I closed the email. The shame and guilt came rushing back, and I thought, “How stupid could you be to think you could be an advocate? You’re such a hypocrite.” Just like that, I was back in the same cycle of guilt and shame. The following week, I won a ticket to hear Hosanna Wong speak at our church. Her message on “dealing with the battles we are facing” deeply resonated with me.   She spoke about how the enemy doesn’t want us to know who we really are. Then she said the exact five words I needed to hear “Your past doesn’t disqualify you.” Tears streamed down my face. I knew God had been trying to get my attention. Later, I felt led to confide in my friend. I poured out my heart to her for three and a half hours. I shared the fears I had in having to tell people or people finding out, specifically my father in law. Little did I know he already knew. I was worried I would be looked down on going back into the pregnancy care center as a patient instead of a volunteer.  She listened, cried with me, and assured me PCC was a safe, confidential place. Little did I know, she had served at PCC for 16 years. No wonder God prompted me to talk to her! I left our conversation feeling lighter and more determined to take the recovery class. At Bible study the next week, my husband’s cousin who I had just invited to join my study introduced me to her mentor Facebook group, “She Is Significant.” I joined, finding encouragement in daily Bible readings and prayer. Then came the PCC high tea in November. As I walked in, standing at the welcome desk was the lady from the Facebook group I had just joined. It turns out she was one of the other directors at PCC. I could clearly see God’s hand in all these details. It was a beautiful morning of fellowship and seeing the fruit that God has produced through pregnancy care center. The event ended with a moving testimony from a young woman who had two abortion stories. She shared how God healed her through the recovery class. At that moment, I knew this was what God had been leading me to all along. He had been patiently pursuing me, placing all the right people in my path. As we left, my best friend shared that she, too, had decided to sign up for the class, and we would do it together. I scheduled my interview for January 24, 2024, and shared a bit of my story. I began the “Forgiven & Set Free” class on March 25, 2024—International Day of the Unborn Child. God is in all the details. The class was small and intimate, and I had my best friend by my side. After our first session, our leader brought stroopwafels as a treat. The day before, I had shared on social media that stroopwafels were my guilty pleasure. I giggled to myself thinking just another "God wink" moment. During this class, God gently peeled back layer upon layer of emotional pain I had buried for 15 years. God graciously revealed repressed memories that I had been praying for clarity on. These revelations brought me closure, peace, and healing. As I let go of shame, grief, and guilt, God replaced them with His perfect love and peace.  August 29, 2024, the time had finally come. I attended the volunteer orientation at the Pregnancy Care Center. During the orientation, someone asked, "What is the number one reason why most people choose abortion?" Without hesitation, the leader responded with incredible honesty, sharing her own personal experience. She said, "Well, I can tell you the reason I chose to have my three abortions." She went on to list a handful of reasons, many of which I could personally relate to. I was deeply moved by her transparency, and drawn to her strength and the similarities in our stories. After the orientation, I decided to stay behind so I could talk to her. I wanted to share a little of my story and thank her for her transparency. As I began speaking, the tears started to flow, and my story came out in bits and pieces. But she listened intently, encouraging me the whole time. As we wrapped up our conversation, she told me that my tears were beautiful. She said she could see they weren’t tears of pain and shame, but tears of joy and healing. It was true. It was such a beautiful moment standing in the building, which had once filled me with fear and intimidation, but had become the very place I found healing. What I have learned through my journey was that for many years, I was walking wounded. I was stuck in the deep pain of forbidden grief. I felt that I couldn’t—or better yet, didn’t deserve—to mourn the loss of the children I chose to abort. I learned how deeply this pain had impacted so many areas of my life. It manifested in anger, social anxiety, disordered eating, and the belief that I was unworthy of a deeper relationship with God. But through my journey, I learned that God wanted me to mourn the loss of my unborn children—and that I had the right to do so. Naming them was one of the many steps in my grieving and healing process. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4) I’ve learned the true nature and character of God. I can trust Him with my pain and sorrow, knowing He will never leave or forsake me. Even though I have found healing, I now understand that it doesn’t mean I will never feel sadness again. Healing can be a lifelong journey. Through this process, I have felt and witnessed the power and depth of God’s love for me. I’ve let go of the anger and unforgiveness I held against myself, realizing that I don’t even have the authority to forgive myself. It wasn’t me that I sinned against—it was God. I am forgiven. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us of our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). I’ve worked through my shame and guilt, learning the difference between the two. I know that I no longer stand accused, but rest in the assurance of everlasting life. “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1. I have come to accept the irresponsible and sinful choices that led to my decision to abort three innocent babies. I acknowledge that I was living a life of sin, not walking with God. I was self-medicating and self-sabotaging with drugs and alcohol. I willingly participated in unprotected premarital sex with multiple partners, trying to fill the void left by a damaged relationship with my father, who was an addict and alcoholic. I believed the lies of the enemy—that sex would fulfill me and make these men love me. But the truth was, it left me feeling used, empty, and alone. These behaviors led to me losing respect from family and friends, but most of all, from myself. They kept me feeling broken, isolated, and ashamed. I hated who I had become and had no hope for my future. I was a mess. BUT GOD! Although my fears and reasons for choosing abortion were real, they were completely selfish. I feared not being able to provide the life I thought a child deserved. I feared being too young, not wanting to be a single mom. I was unwilling to make the sacrifice to stop living for myself. I had convinced myself that abortion was the only choice. I told myself, “It’s just like a birth control pill, it’s no big deal,” but deep down, I knew what I was doing was wrong. These lies kept me in constant bondage to sin and separation from God. By acknowledging these truths and experiencing God’s love and forgiveness, I have been set free to live the life God has called me to. I am so grateful for the grace, mercy, and forgiveness God has shown and given me. I now see the importance God places on life, both inside and outside the womb. I believe in the sanctity of life and that it begins at conception. Every life is precious to God. “For You formed my innermost parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:13-14. I came out of this study understanding that I can hold both joy and sadness in my heart at the same time. I can move forward with hope in God’s promises. I will not dwell on the past but find comfort and joy in knowing that Nevaeh, Manoah, and Ian are resting peacefully in the arms of Jesus, and that one day I will be with them in Heaven. He will bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (Isaiah 61:3) God made a way for me. He has blessed me with four beautiful children. He has given me the most incredible husband, who loves, respects, and adores me—a true man of God. “Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. For I am about to do something new; see, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness; I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19. God has freed me from the chains of guilt and shame that bound me for so long. He’s restored my faith and shown me that He is faithful, even when I am not.  He has redeemed my past and replaced my brokenness with joy. He has given me a new perspective on life and motherhood, for that I am eternally grateful. God can take what Satan meant for shame and use it for His glory. Just when we think we’ve messed up so badly that our lives are nothing but heaps of ashes, God pours His living water over us and mixes the ashes into clay. He then takes this clay, molds it into a vessel of beauty, and fills us with His overflowing love. He can then use us to pour His love into the hurting lives of others. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has good plans for me and my life. He can and will use the darkest, most broken parts of my story for my good and His glory. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28. God never leaves us in our mess. Instead, He calls us to step into His light so that His redeeming work can begin. Through Him, we are truly forgiven and set free.