I wish I could go back to the younger me
I wish I could go back to the younger me and change sooo much where do I start? The abortion experience never leaves a woman I am proof of that I am 58 years old and everyday i think about the 2 abortions i had in my 20s even more than ever The pain and regret is always there the shame and guilt as well. It changes a woman and not for the better After my abortions I started drinking even more I wanted to escape the pain I thought I had resolved my "inconvenience" when I went through my abortion not once but twice I didnt want to go through the 2nd abortion and waited until 16 weeks and eventually went back to Planned Parenthood I was upset with my would be children's father and he was gone after we had an argument and I tried to wait it out but he took off quit his job and left everything behind including his family no one knew where he went probably out of state we were supposed to be married its hard to go back to write this as I think about my past I didn't want to be tied down at the time I was working , partying, and focused more on me rather than the life I was carrying I'm truly angry at myself for what i allowed myself to do choosing abortion and I have suffered for over 30 years with depression and anxiety wanting at times to take my own life these are by products of abortion decisions I saw it as a negative experience being pregnant I don't know why...I believed in God used to attend church as I grew up but I was a party girl and wanted to be out in the world not a stay at home mom I went through some so called "counseling" at Planned Parenthood and they helped convince me I didn't want this fetus and ultimately convinced myself to go through the abortion process I think I was very immature and convinced myself it wasn't a big deal I I stumbled upon this site to give testimony how terribly painful is to women emotionally , mentally spiritually and physically not to mention I carry so much shame and guilt I couldn't even listen to a vacuum after my abortion experiences as they reminded me of the process it's hard to put it into words I've been through Confession at the Catholic Church have been going to Mass and went through a retreat at Rachel's Promise over 9 years ago but I still feel I cannot let go How can I ? The 2 children I aborted I grieve for I now have a son who is 30 years old and I wish so much he had a brother or sister I look around and see people my age as grandparents and wonder had I given life to these 2 aborted children.. maybe they as adults would have had their own families by now The effects of abortion run so deep they can affect not only the aborted children but the lives they may had had God knows I would change those decisions in a minute IF I could go back in time I now live my life trying to let go of my past and surrender what I cannot change and give to God I pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet and have to believe as Jesus has said: His Mercy is greater than my sin that goes for us all. I wish I had made the decision for adoption. I thank God I have a wonderful son who is now 30 in my life I am Blessed to have him By the way I was homeless and pregnant with him but Our Lord was there to help him have life