February 2nd, 2024. My baby was supposed to be born on that day.
February 2nd, 2024. My baby was supposed to be born on that day. But I wasn’t ready. I was so scared. And so, I had an abortion at 17 weeks and 4 days. That was 4 days ago, and today I would have been 18 weeks. I wasn’t ready for the grief that hit me on my first abortion appointment, and I especially wasn’t ready to feel the loss so completely on the day of my second appointment. And no one prepared me for the heartbreak of not being able to feel my baby move inside me anymore. And I chose to bring my baby home for a burial and nobody prepared me for the sobs and nightmares after seeing my baby’s tiny hands and tiny feet inside of that jar. I am so traumatized and heartbroken and I know it was for the best, but I can’t help but wish that I could take it back just to get the chance to feel my baby with me again. Alive. Not mutilated inside of a jar that was put in a decorative bag with a little red bow. As if my baby dying was supposed to be a gift to me? This is the biggest heartbreak of my life and I am so full of anger and regret and sadness and so many other emotions that I have never felt before. I feel like i’m drowning in my grief. my body serves as a reminder of the fact that my baby existed and that it’s gone now. I started producing milk yesterday and I can’t help but feel so hurt and angry and like I robbed myself. I woke up with a gorged breasts that are full of milk for my baby, yet my baby isn’t here. it’s gone and it’s all my fault. And i just know i’ll never be able to see autumn the same again. It used to be my favourite season but now every year the leaves start to change colour and fall on the ground, I’ll think of my baby. I wish he/she/they came at a time in my life where the circumstances were better. I wish it came when I wasn’t 19 and in school. I wish it came when I could provide it with everything and anything it ever wanted in life. But it didn’t. And now i’m just left with reminders of what could have been. And no one to talk to about my grief because I can’t talk to family. It’s so much worse that no one even knew i was pregnant except for my boyfriend and one of my best friends. The hurt feels like it just keeps getting worse, and i don’t know if it will ever go away.