I was 22 and having an affair

I was 22 and having an affair with a much older married man. I know I was despicable. He didn't believe me when I told him about the positive pregnancy test, nor did he believe me when I got the abortion. Initially I was happy, then I was scared and ashamed. I rubbed rosemary oil on my feet in hopes of miscarrying but it didn't work. I felt horribly guilty then because I just tried to kill my baby. That's when I knew I had to have an abortion. The married man also said I had to, and I was afraid of him. My friend drove me and I secretly hoped we'd get into a car crash, but be ok, that way I wouldn't have to go through with it. I remember work being so busy that I didn't have time to feel what just happened, but when I'd get home it would hit me and I'd just lie there staring at the ceiling. That was 16yrs ago, still feels like yesterday unfortunately. If you told me, 16yrs ago that at 38 I'd still be trying to have kids, I don't think I would've gone through with it. Even though Jesus saved me 2yrs ago, I still feel guilt, sadness, shame and remorse.