I never thought that I would ever get pregnant at 41 let alone have an abortion.

I never thought that I would ever get pregnant at 41 let alone have an abortion. When I was young, even as a child, my biggest fear was always to not be able to have children. I would have a child before 35, on my own if I had to, because I did not want to risk losing my fertility window. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant at 30, even if it was unplanned. And so was the father. We got engaged, bought a house and brought home our baby boy. A year later, we got married and got pregnant right away with a girl. My husband was happy with two, but I had always like the idea of having more. We were using the pullout method and we knew there was a risk. We thought if it happens it happens… Over the years, I often hoped that we would grow ou family, but it didn’t happen. I changed my mind around 2 years ago, when my daughter ended kindergarten. Our lives changed over time, we travelled a lot, we would go skiing as a family, camping, my husband and I had time to ourselves. Life was great. When at 41, my period was late, I didn’t even think twice about it. I was getting older and less regular. I was sure it was peri menopause. We went to Cuba for March break, and I drank and had a great time, until day 5. I felt sick. I was sure I ate something bad. It was Cuba after all. But it didn’t really go away. When I got home, I had looked at all the web sites saying how unlikely I was pregnant, but still I wanted to eliminate that possibility. I remember how embarrassed I was purchasing a pregnancy test. I was convinced everyone around me thought I looked ridiculous thinking I was pregnant at my age. When it was positive, I was in shock and then I was devastated. It was the complete opposite of what I felt with my first two pregnancies. I felt so guilty for drinking so much and not knowing my body more. The next day, I got a appointment for an abortion for 10 days later. The offered to call if they had a cancellation but I didn’t want to. My mind wasn’t really made up. I kept imagining my future both keeping it and having an abortion. I preferred being in the limbo between than either of the options. When I thought of keeping it, I had a fear that the baby would be unhealthy, because of my age and alcohol use. Going in and out of hospitals, and taking time away from my older kids. I saw my self at 60 when they graduated high school, in my mid-70s when they got married. When I thought about abortion, I felt so selfish. I felt guilty for not protecting this baby like I did my others. I could give this child a good life, I just didn’t really want to. I made every sacrifice necessary for my children and I’m very happy I did but I don’t want to do it again. When the appointment came, my husband accompanied me. I don’t know what I expected, but the clinic was very calm. The other woman there were much older than I expected. I found out I was further along than I thought at 9 weeks 3 days. That actually reinforced my choice of abortion. It’s been four weeks now. I don’t think I regret it but it makes me sad to think of it.